27 Shades of Grey

27 Shades of Grey
Hey. How are you doing? I’m cool. I’m sorry to interrupt your personals reading, but I wanted to tell you about a recent experience of mine. I was at the gym and some female friends of mine were discussing this book 50 Shades of Grey. I guess that so many women have read this book that now it is perfectly acceptable to talk about it in public. I'm not sure how many people have to read a book before women can shout about it over the whirring sounds of ellyptical machines, but I imagine it is quite a few women.

I wasn’t familiar with 50 Shades of Grey, so I did some research. Apparently, this book has quite a sexy bent and the lead character, a man by the name of Christian Grey is the current man-of-the-year. I decided to draft a comparison of myself and Mr. Grey. This should make it easier for you to decide that I would be a great sexual partner. Here goes.

Christian Grey: Tall, thin, muscular, long fingers.
Me: Sorta, yup, yes, I've got those too. (3.5 points)

Christian Grey: Controlling, no sense of humor
Me: Not so much. (0 points)

Christian Grey: Can fly a helicopter, sail a boat, successful, entrepreneur, philanthropic, plays piano
Me: What? no, not really, actually yes, oh yeah – I am too, pretty much, no piano though (3 points!)

Christian Grey: Hair thick, copper, tossled in a “just had sex” way
Me: Yes, no, yes but in a “too lazy to comb it” sorta way. (2 points)

Christian Grey: Smells great
Me: Smells great until lunchtime then I usually eat something pungent and ruin it. (1/2 point)

Christian Grey: Speaks French
Me: No Parlez Vous. (0 points)

Christian Grey: Has had multiple sex slaves in his past.
Me: I had an ex-girlfriend stalk me for 11 months (1 point!)

Christian Grey: Has a “playroom” in his apartment
Me: Dude, I own a house! It’s got 2 rooms that I never even go into. (1 ½ points!)

Christian Grey: Likes “kinky fuckery”
Me: Holy Cow! I do too! (1 point)

Christian Grey: Wears nice clothes during the day and jeans and a t-shirt at playtime.
Me: That’s half a point! (1/2 point)

Christian Grey: Billionaire
Me: I went to the ATM and I have more than $1,000. Using my math that’s half a point!

Christian Grey: After spanking Anastasia’s butt he brings her lotions and creams to soothe her.
Me: I got a bath & body works gift card at Christmas and never used it. You’re on. (1 point)

Christian Grey: “Fucks hard”
Me: Add a point, unless I'm drunk or tired, then I make love.

Christian Grey: Has exquisite taste in the finer things and is willing to share with his lover.
Me: I’ve been known to split a sack of ten white castles. I’ve even been known to only eat 5. (point!)

Christian Grey: A broken soul. Doesn’t like to be touched, rough childhood
Me: Nope, no way, nope. (sorry.)

Christian Grey: Pays money to keep a “sub” to satisfy him
Me: I went to Jimmy John’s for lunch. (point!)

Christian Grey: Blackberry
Me: Oh hell no, IPhone. (2 points!)

Christian Grey: Screws around with a subordinate
Me: I wish. (1 point)

Christian Grey: Got freaked out by a virgin.
Me: Probably (1 point)

Christian Grey: Spanking, Whipping, S&M
Me: I’ll spank the inner goddess outta you. (1 point)

Christian Grey: Ice cream play
Me: I eat ice cream every day. (1 point)

Christian Grey: Gets a BJ while yachting
Me: I wacked off on a cruise ship when I was 14.

So there you have it. I’m not Christian Grey, but I think I’ll do.

Have a fun day. We'll hook up later.