How to write a successful Penthouse letter:

• You never thought you would write but now you have the chance.
• This was a once in a lifetime experience and it REALLY HAPPENED!
• Everything went very smoothly, this could have happened to anyone if they had only been in the same place at the same time that you were.
• You are a very muscular well endowed man or you are a gorgeous, bisexual woman.
• If you are a woman, you really are a woman that just happens to read Penthouse Forum.
• One of the people involved is either a virgin or a experienced person of the world.
• No matter how spontaneous the sex or how long it has been since they have had sex, everyone involved just happens to have well trimmed pubic hair and is wearing great underwear.
• The woman always orgasms, repeatedly, and when it is over it is visually easy to recognize.
• The man always undresses with his penis in the vicinity of the woman's face.
• The woman speaks rarely and only in double entendre.
• Women always referred to their own bodies in very graphic ways. A common choice for you to describe your own vaginal is "My cooze". You can also use muff, quim, quiver, and gash.
• All men know the length of their penises sometimes they even tell you how they measure it. For example: My cock is 7 inches from base to tip and is 3 inches in circumference at the widest part of the head.
• Women know their measurements even their waist measurement and willingly disclose their weight. They are often barrel chested ie: 34-26-42 DD and 105 lbs. This woman's rib cage and boobs would weigh 105 lbs.
• Women have very few choices of profession. They can be librarians, teachers, The Boss, eager saleswoman, stripper, and housewife (horny).
• Men have very powerful positions where they never have to listen to a boss.
• Exotic locations always result in spontaneous sex in a public place.
• Old people do not have sex.
• Women always break out their vibrators even if it is their first time having sex with someone.
• The signature is always witty, rhyming, or has a pun in it.