Hi, I just realized something. I might actually be a vampire. Sure, some folks might WANT to be a vampire because it is sexy and romantic. Other folks PRETEND to be a vampire because women want to fall in love with one. Me? I actually think I might be a vampire. Here is why.
1. I am kind of sparkly. I got this Jergen's shimmer lotion off of the clearance rack at work and when I put it on my skin and go out in the sun, it is sparkly. People look at me strangely too. They don't expect a masculine guy like me to sparkle so much.
2. I might be able to live forever but I look young! This is what really convinced me that I am a vampire. I just turned forty and people can't believe it. I got carded the other day. It wasn't because the waitress at PF Changs wanted a bigger tip either, she thought I was under 21. Last year I was even asked to show ID at a Canadian casino. You only have to be 19 to get in and they wanted to see my ID! That is some crazy vampire shit right there.
3. Vampires always have fine art and lots of books and stuff. I've got tons of that crap. I probably have every Car and Driver magazine from the last 20 years and as far as fine art goes my place has so many paintings of light that it is like a cavalcade of Thomas Kincade.
4. Vampires know lots about history and they know that it is completely cyclical and not worth worrying over. Personally, I can remember when the Raiders were from Oakland, then they moved the team to LA, now they are Oakland Again. I also remember the 80's and that is coming back too.
5. Like a vegetarian vampire I have a thirst for blood but eat animals instead.
6. Finally, like all vampires, when I see the neck of a beautiful woman, I want to grab her, and put my mouth all over her.
Beware though, I can't get involved with mortal women, It will only end in a broken heart. I know from past experiences that after time you will become frustrated that I am not aging like you and you will tell me to "grow up". It happens every time.